How Not to Behave at a Funeral
Central Players: Ellen Anderson, Ginger Rocker, Janice Wendt, and Barbara Pomarolli.
Pre-planning: Since there were too many people attending Cheryl’s mom funeral in Statesboro, Ga.to all ride in one car it was decided that Ellen, Ginger, Janice, and Barbara would drive down in Dick’s van. Joan and David Miles would drive in one car so Barbara and Joan talked the night before and exchanged cell phone numbers in case of emergency and David Taylor sent driving directions. The funeral was to begin at 11:00 A.M. so we decided to leave at 7:30 to allow enough time to arrive early at the church.
I should have known that this was not going to be an ordinary day when we stopped at.
Great Waters to pick up Janice and Ellen went sailing through the gate and past the turn in where Janice was to meet us.. I yelled for her to turn which she did without skipping a beat or hardly stepping on the brakes and we barely missed running through the beautiful landscaped island at the Great Waters gate. This was Janice’s first trip with the three of us so she really didn’t have a clue what she might be in for.
It is a known fact among our friends that Ellen and I always have to find a donut (preferably Krispy Kreme) and coffee place when we travel anywhere over an hour’s distance. Since this was going to be a 3 hour trip, our main thought was where to find our sugar high for the day. We made certain in our pre planning to allow time for a stop or maybe two on the way to Statesboro. The trip took us through several small towns; the first being Sandersville and we knew that there wouldn’t be a problem finding Krispy Kreme donuts in a town that size. Sure enough as we entered the outskirts there was a gas station with a big Krispy Kreme sign outside and Ellen’s built in radar just naturally turned in the station. We all quickly got out and hurried in trying to decide on the way which delicious confection we would choose. Well, of all things, there was no donut rack in sight. So we asked the clerk where to find the donuts and she said they no longer carried them. We just looked at her like she was from out of space and told her that she’d better take the sign down as that was false advertising. We also didn’t buy any of her coffee as we thought this was only a little set back and there would be another opportunity on down the road. Little did we know that there was not a Krispy Kreme or any other kind of donut between Sandersville and Statesboro. So Ellen just kept driving and the rest of us scoped out every gas station and fast food place in all the little towns we drove through. This activity did keep us occupied so the 3 hour drive didn’t seem so long.
Before we knew it, we were pulling into the outskirts of Statesboro. David Taylor had given us a map with directions to the church which stated that we should turn at the 2nd or 3rd light but he didn’t know we would be on a mission to at least get a cup of coffee and a snack before going to the funeral. So we drove on not paying any attention to lights but searching for a place stop. We finally spied Hardies and decided that would have to do since it was 10:30 and the funeral started at 11:00 and we knew we couldn’t be late. Since the breakfast hour was almost over they only had 2 cinnamon rolls and one biscuit with ham so someone was going to have to sacrifice. Since Ginger was on a diet she said she didn’t need anything to eat so Ellen and Janice got the cinnamon rolls and I got the biscuit which I wound up sharing with Ginger since she looked like she was hungry. I think she was secretly grateful for my unselfishness. At 10:40 I said I thought we’d better leave so we wouldn’t be late so we piled in the van and turned back on the highway going through town. Well NOW we started counting lights and after going through about 5 decided we had gone too far and had better turn around. Since it was now 10:50 I told Ellen that she’d better step on it which she proceeded to do. We figured if we got stopped by the cops they would lead us to the church. After retracing our route and passing Hardies plus several lights without seeing Main St. we decided we’d better stop and ask someone. We happened to see a Fed Ex truck in a parking lot so pulled in next to it and Ellen rolled down the window and started waving her arms at the driver. He quickly got out of his truck and came over. He was on the phone with his wife so promptly told her he’d call back (and probably tell her about 4 crazy old ladies who were lost). We asked him how to get to Main St. and he asked where we were going and we told him First Baptist Church. He then said we needed to go through 3 or 4 more lights and turn at the Dairy Queen (why didn’t David say that in his directions) and the church was a block down Main St. Well you guessed it. It was now almost 11 and we knew we would be late but what could we do. When we reached the church we saw that all the parking spots were taken in the front so we drove around the back and parked in a First Time Visitors (which we were) spot. This church was a huge church with what looked like many additions on the back so we asked a lady in the parking lot how to get to the Sanctuary and she said to go through the doors in the back. Well we thought we were in a maze as we walked down corridors, up stairs, and down more corridors. Finally when we were about to turn around we heard organ music. That was good and bad. Good that we were close to the sanctuary and bad because we knew we were late. As we got closer we saw 2 big double doors and were about to go in when I said we’d better make sure that wasn’t the front of the church which meant that we would certainly make an entrance and we sure didn’t want to do that. So Ellen peeked through the crack and said sure enough that was the front of the church. We turned around and hurried out the door and around to the front of the church where we quickly and quietly tried to sneak in the back unnoticed. The service was in progress and we were all either having hot flashes or just sweating from the trek through the church so it took a few minutes to compose ourselves. We were mostly just relieved to be there and hoped we hadn’t made too much of a spectacle of ourselves.
The service was lovely and sweet and we all wished that we had known Cheryl’s mom because she sounded like such a wonderful lady. We were thankful that we had come. Also thankful that nothing too terrible had occurred on our trip At least not yet.
After the service we stood on the front porch just a few minutes talking to our friends and trying to explain to Joan what had happened. She said we were right behind them when we entered town and then disappeared so she was worried. She didn’t realize we were on a Krispy Kreme mission. She said she had tried to call us on my cell phone but we had all turned our phones off earlier so they wouldn’t be on during the service. So much for emergency cell phone numbers.
As all the cars were already lined up in front of the church to proceed to the cemetery we thought we’d better hurry and get our van in the procession. So we made our way back through the church maze and after trying to get in the wrong van found the right one and drove around to the front of the church. Well much to our surprise and dismay, all the cars were gone. What to do now???? We noticed a van up the street with a funeral home logo on the side so Ellen drove up a one way street the wrong way and stopped in front of the truck so he couldn’t leave without giving us directions to the cemetery. He was very nice and said the cemetery was close and we should just go back out to the main road we had come in on and turn right and the cemetery was on the left. Easy enough we thought. As we stopped at the light, would you believe that there was a huge Krispy Kreme truck going through the light and just for an instance we were torn between following the truck or going to the cemetery. Thankfully good sense and priorities took over our brains and we proceeded to the cemetery. It was huge cemetery and we were about to despair of finding the funeral when way in the back we saw a canopy and lots of parked cars. So we pulled in behind the last car on a narrow one way lane and all jumped out of the car and hurried toward the gravesite. As we approached I commented that I didn’t recognize anyone which wasn’t so strange since we didn’t know many people who were there. The family chairs were empty but we thought that maybe the family just hadn’t gotten out of their cars yet. But as we got closer it seemed that people might be leaving. Janice chimed in that she was sure that was the right coffin and she recognized the flowers so we kept walking. As we approached the gravesite, a man with a funeral home name badge came over and said “you ladies look like you are lost, could I help you?” I said we were looking for the Jenkins funeral and he said, “this isn’t the Jenkins funeral, it is at another cemetery” At this point, I think we all realized what a colossal mistake we had made and became hysterical. The other three girls just turned and practically ran for the car and left me standing there to get directions to the correct cemetery. I had started laughing when I realized that we had crashed the wrong funeral and had to keep my head down while the man was giving me directions. I quickly thanked him and hurried back to the car where the other three were laughing hysterically. We knew this was not proper behavior but we couldn’t really believe that we had gone to the wrong funeral. As soon as we could talk I told them we had to back out and turn around which was no small feat since the road was very narrow. I suggested that Ellen try to turn around and she replied that she didn’t want to run over anyone’s tombstone so she kept backing. All of a sudden Janice or Ginger yelled that there was ditch behind us and Ellen slammed on the brakes just in time to avoid going over the edge. We somehow got turned around and back on the main road headed through town. Even though Ellen had the pedal to the metal, we knew we were going to be late and probably make an entrance when we reached the cemetery. Sure enough as we turned off the road we saw the canopy with all the people standing around right in the front of the cemetery. Well, Janice and Ginger proceeded to duck down in the back of the van thinking that everyone could see us making an entrance and that Ellen was going to pull around next to the gravesite. This brought on another fit of laughter (totally inappropriate but not to be helped at this point). After a brief discussion we decided that it would be best just to wait in the car until the service was over, so Ellen skillfully parked the van behind a huge bush hoping that we couldn’t be seen. As we waited we noted that each of us had red eyes with tears streaks running down our faces and hoped that everyone would think that we had been crying. (Actually we had all been crying during the service so that wasn’t a complete falsehood).
As the service ended and people were walking to cars, we drove around and saw Joan and her husband David hurrying toward our car. We could imagine what they must be thinking. David said that Joan had been frantic and he told her we were grown women and didn’t need a mother to which she replied that we certainly acted like we could use a mother. (She was probably thinking we needed a keeper). We explained to them that we had crashed a funeral and they had looks of total shock on their faces. I imagine at this point that Joan was thanking God that she had ridden with David and not us. Since we would going back to the church for lunch, Joan said for us to follow them so we wouldn’t get lost. The very idea that we couldn’t find our way back to the church after all that we had been through was a bit far fetched, but we agreed to follow their car.
So we arrived at the church in a timely fashion and enjoyed a wonderful lunch prepared by the ladies of the church. We had all agreed that we would not tell Cheryl about our adventures until 3 or 4 years later because we were so embarrassed about this happening at her mother’s funeral. As luck would have it, as we waited in line for lunch and related our tale to our friends from home, David heard us and told Cheryl. So after lunch she came over and said she heard we went to the wrong funeral so she was okay with the story. Another point about lunch. Since we had all behaved so outrageously, I told the other girls that I needed to sit where I couldn’t see their faces because I might start laughing and really create a scene so we all sat apart from each other. That worked fine and we were able to meet and visit with some of Cheryl’s family which was nice. I even met a fellow Auburn alum. There are smart people everywhere.
After lunch we said our goodbyes and headed towards home still talking and laughing about what we had done. What are the odds of having 2 funerals at the same time in different cemeteries in a small town? It could only happen to us.
We settled down and prepared for an uneventful trip home. Ginger entertained us with funny stories about mishaps that could only happen to her so we enjoyed more laughter. When we reached Sandersville we decided to stop and get a cold drink at McDonald’s. When Ellen and I came out of the restaurant Janice was in the van and Ginger was standing beside her door talking to Glenn on the cell phone and telling him all about our day. I got in the front seat and slammed the door at which point Ginger without stopping her conversation yelled “ouch”. Then she said to Glenn, “Barbara slammed the door on my hand” Well, I turned around and looked at her and saw that her door was open and wondered what in the world she was talking about. She continued talking to Glenn and said “wait a minute Glenn, I’ve got to get my hand out of the door” Then she said to me, “Barbara, open your door, my hand is in it” Mind you, she still hadn’t screamed or raised her voice or hung up the phone. I immediately opened my door and saw her entire hand in the door. I’m thinking that now we’ll have to go to the hospital because all of her fingers must be broken. She just looked at her hand which had a crease across all 4 of her fingers and said it didn’t hurt and continued her conversation. Finally when she hung up we’re all looking at her hand and wondering why the fingers aren’t broken. We concluded it must have been because she said she had been retaining water and her hands were swollen and it kept the fingers from getting the full impact of the door. Either that or God thought we had had enough excitement for one day and we needed to get home before something else happened.
The rest of the trip home was uneventful except that I laughed so much that my throat was sore. Punishment I guess.
We dropped Janice off at her car and wondered if she would ever go anywhere with 3 lunatics again. Although in our defense she was the one who said the coffin and flowers were the ones she had seen at the church and she laughed as much as we did. She probably had never experienced anything like that before. It remains to be seen if she’ll want to ride in our car again.
As I thought about our day, several things came to mind. First of all, none of this would have happened if several things had been different. For example, if the gas station in Sandersville had Krispy Kreme donuts we wouldn’t have needed to find a place to stop in Statesboro and would have started looking for Main Street earlier. If David had said to turn at the Dairy Queen we would have known what to look for and would have been on time for the service. We would have found a parking place in the front and not missed the procession. If the man from the funeral home had not told us to go to the wrong cemetery we would not have made that blunder. If Ginger had gotten in the car before I came out of the restaurant I wouldn’t have slammed the door on her hand.
But of course if all that happened I wouldn’t be telling this story and you wouldn’t be laughing and wishing that you could have been with us. End of story.
P.S. If any of you decide to send this in to Reader’s Digest, remember you have to share the profits with the 4 key players in the story.
— Barbara Pomarolli
