The world famous, awesome comedian, Kerri Pomarolli!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Mother You Swore Youw Would Never Be
Ok here's your story for the day..feel free to share or skim...
Did you ever have those days you turn into the Mother You swore You'd NEVER BE????
I decided I'm way too prego /sick/hormonal to do much today . I take Lucy to her Wednesday baby class with Ron and she has costume party...funny how last
year we all cared so deeply about our children'ts costumes and this year ALLLLLLLL the girls seem to be princesses or whatever mom had in the house
already.
So then Ron gets a call Lucy has an audition for CSI TV show on Wed at 1:15pm in the valley.
Of course we're thrilled..she needs to make money for her keep and I want to meet Mark Harmon. ( I find out later he'd on NCIS)
So I got home and actually did the unthinkable...laid down. Ron gets Lucy, with the sweet snack bag I gave him and drives to Valley with Miss Lucy
and takes her to audition with all the other starlet kids. She falls asleep in the car.
This is Lucy's first TV show audition. There are actual
directions for the role of "Mindy" (angry toddler at store with mom)
Lucy: I don't want to say my name Daddy!
Ron: Just look at the camera Lucy when you go in ok?
Lucy: I don't want to look at the camera Daddy! I don't Want to talk!"
Ron:Well awesome! Go get em Lucy!
She finally goes in after waiting for 45 mins and she's alone in the room. She comes out 7 mins later.
Ron:Were they nice to you?
Lucy : No! They weren't nice to me! They took my toys!(she had no toys by the way)
Ron: What happened?
Lucy; I don't want to talk now Daddy!
They drive home.. I get up and go to physical therapy. I plan to see noone so I'm dressed in black stretch pants,black cotton shirt dress, no make up, face broken out completely, my hair looks like it got in a light socket and no bra because my ribs hurt.But who cares ..it's just PT.
I walk back in my house at 3:35 Ron informs me one of us has to take"Dainty June"(google Gypsy reference) back to Universal Studios CSI production
offices for a Producers Session call back by 4:30pm and One of us has to drive his parents back to Orange County from airport.
Oh did I mention"One"of us had also committed to hosting a prayer meeting at her house at 7pm?
I have no time to change.
He throws Lucy in my car. I grab one Capri Sun juice box, one coke, one large back of gummy bears and start driving.
Lucy's face is covered in dirt. Her nail polish from"mommy manicure is peeling off" she looks borderline homeless.
I look like an ad for"Teenage Mom" or one of those horrible Pageant Moms on Toddlers and Tiara's who's 90 months prego and stopped caring about her
looks years ago!
I start driving and brainwashing/bribing my child with the juice and gummies
Kerri:Lucy..just remember be nice to the"comedy friends" today and you'll get more gummies
Lucy: Can I have a lollipop mama?
Kerri: Yes if you behave..yes
We hit the 405 freeway and it's a dead stop. It's now 3:50pm
4:00pm we haven't really moved. I can kinda see where the 10fwy might be approaching.
4:10 I'm calling Ron saying I knowing we're gonna be late and he should call our agency to ask if this is worth it. They usually won't wait at these
callbacks.
4:30pm Ron finally calls and says we can have till 4:45pm or 5:00pm at the latest.
4:40pm I'm stuck at Getty Center Dr. dead stop.I start to hyperventilate. Lucy says her back hurts and unbuckles her seat belt in her car seat.
She's on gummy bear number 8! I'm on the phone with my car insurance trying to get a better rate. I
start to lose it hormonally, emotionally wondering how I've become this mom.
The stage mother fighting LA traffic, dragging her sugared up kid across LA and about to give birth any minute.
I call Ron....tell him I can't do this. I want to go home.
Ron: Kerri go home then.No big deal
Kerri: No! We've come this far. I can kinda see the 101! We can do this! Call the agents again.WE HAVE GUMMIES!
Ron: They said 5:15 latest or don't show up.
It's now 4:59pm. Lucy is fast asleep. I trudge onwards to get to Universal Studios Gate check in. She won't wake up. I"m playing loud Eagles Hotel
California, waving a gummy bear in front of my child's sleeping drooling mouth yelling at the top of my lungs"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUCY! Wake up!
Play time! So fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucy! Have some gummy bears!"
We get into parking lot she arises, we both look homeless now. We literally have a running contest to the downstairs office door 3 flights.I'm
running, my pants are falling off of me. Lucy is laughing. She has no idea where we are.
We get in there as the very last group of kids is being called in the back room to audition.
They and their actor parents look polished, beautiful and prepared. These kids are a bit older than Lucy and she takes a look at little Sabina with
her long hair.
Lucy: You got pretty hair!
Sabina shyly smiles....says Thanks.
Lucy: You need a haircut!
Sabina's Dad: That's ok honey we gotta run to get your sister she's at Sony shooting a movie and daddy has acting class tonight so go in there and do
like we rehearsed ok?
The other girls are sitting and being read to. Lucy is climbing the office chairs spinning and then standing on them then jumping off. I cannot
physically restrain her because I'm so pregnant tired I can't MOVE! So I'm officially" the mom who stopped caring! "Toddlers and Tiaras" here we come!
After all the other girls it's now Lucy's turn to go in. She informs me she doesn't need me to go in with her. And then like Cinderella this
transformation takes place. I see my little rug rat through the blinds transform into this complacent, polite charming little girl. She stands still, slates
her name age, is making funny faces, talking about her life like she's 15 and the producers are all in stitches laughing at her. She's probably doing
my act.
I get away from the window and I'm hearing them say" Oh...get that on camera. She's terrific" She's in there a long time.
Then one by one every producer/casting person comes out without my child and first of all look at me thinking" Wow..this lady really needs the money.
She can't afford a bra or a haircut!"She has no ring on and she's12 months pregnant.
Casting Lady: Do you have more children? She is the most adorable beautiful child. She's the best one we've seen.
Kerri: Huh? Yeah there's a kid in my belly..she can play young.
Casting Lady. She even asked us questions. She was the only kid who could easily play" Mad" today on cue. She was able to throw tantrum and get mad on
cue. She's so smart. She's beautiful.
Kerri: She's part Asian. She's good at math.
Casting Man: She's on her way! Great kid.
Kerri: When does this shoot?
Casting lady: Next week..is there a problem?
Kerri: No I'm just having a baby.But that's what Grandma's are for.
Casting lady: Well we love her. We're just looking to cast a mom right now and it will come down to looks and matching.
Kerri: Did I mention Lucy's parents are stand up comics....I mean..we are comics....and actors...
Casting Lady looks at me if I'm _the nanny..no response.
I go into casting room Lucy is now sorting through all the headshots of other kids playing with a camera around her neck and negoiating her dressing
room requests. Everyone is telling me how wonderful she is.
Lucy: I don't want to go Mama. I'm busy!
Mommy; I have lollipops!
We get to the car. I realize I don't have any lollipops. I do what all good mothers do.
Kerri: Lucy you did great. Do you want McDonalds??????????
Labels: motherhood, CSI, casting, Gummies,
posted by Kerri 3:27 PM 0 comments
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Cult of Personality- Facebook Friend or Foe?
I have a confession to make. I recently joined a cult. It’s called FACEBOOK! All the other members reading this (you know who you are) are laughing because you too have found yourself up at 4:00 am browsing profiles, adding glamour shots of yourself and most importantly checking out all the people that were mean to you in high school including your ex's. Facebook is the new "internet dating for married people!" Some say it's harmless! Some call it dangerous. I say it's a bit of both.
Facebook is a worldwide phenomenon where you can post a personal profile with all sorts of information about yourself and get in touch with everyone you ever did or didn't want to hear from in your past life -including high school. It seems to be a huge internet high school reunion where I find myself asking to be "friends" with the popular kids and crying myself to sleep if someone doesn't "confirm" my request asap!
Then there is the issue of people having the power to find that ex boy or girlfriend and see photos and updates with the click of the keyboard. You know you do it! You look at their new pictures and just pray they are either balder or fatter than you are! Then you can send personal messages that are private or write cute sayings on their "wall" that everyone can see. The point of this is really just a bunch of people wanting their exs to know two things:
1. I’m over you, well adjusted and still good looking. And when you look at my wonderful photo shopped family pictures you will curse the day you broke my heart and left me for that cheerleader.
2. I'm better than you!
There are even status updates where people write exactly what they are doing such as “Kerri is sitting here typing.” "Kerri ate an apple." But what Kerri really means is" Kerri is better than you are and wants you to validate her with some flirty comment on her wall about how fantastic she looks now!" Some people can keep this communication at the harmless stage. I think I'm one of them. I may be neurotic in my own mind but that’s where it stops. I don't cross the line and do my best to mention my husband and baby a lot in my emails to old flames.
I thought it was funny when my high school boyfriend literally looked me up and said "If you still think I suck you don't have to write back!" Well that was enough for me to know I made the right choice in moving on 15 years ago!
I believe it's in the spirit of how you're using this new millennium communication tool. One male married friend of mine canceled his account because he said it was "too easy to flirt" with ex's. At least he's honest and knew when it was getting to be too much. Because people treat flirting on email as if it somehow “doesn’t count!" But in my book it does. I just have to keep in mind that everything I say is literally in writing and can and will be used against me in the court of my "husband!" So I'm good to keep up with my status updates and posting fabulous pictures of me and my cute family in my skinny jeans!
Labels: facebook, high school
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Why I Still Watch Chick Flicks
When I was single I wrote a very empowering piece, or so I thought, titled Why I Don't Watch Chick Flicks basically explaining why they are bad for women. I expressed how they were hurting society by portraying relationships in a totally unrealistic way. They also caused me to go into a serious chocolate chip cookie binge late at night under the covers crying myself into a chocolate coma then drifting off to sleep only to dream of the leading man in the movie. When I was single, and pushing the dreaded age 30, I just couldn't find any reason to hope my life would turn out like Julia or Reese or worse yet Rene in the ever popular Bridget Jones movie! My heart goes out to women everywhere who watch these movies - where the girl always gets the guy. Why? Why ? Why do we do this ourselves? Real life never works itself out in 90 minutes and I myself have never been picked up by a guy in a horse drawn carriage, limousine or private jet.
However, I did fall in love with a guy who offered me chocolate chip cookies and had no car! I did get married and walk down the aisle in a rented pretty white dress. And to top it all off we had a little girl named Lucy join the crew last year. No it didn't take 90 minutes, it took 32 years!
But tonight after another long exhausting day of chasing my one year old, playing 15 games of don't eat that and folding 343 loads of laundry, I found myself engrossed in a rerun of You've Got Mail on Lifetime with my all time favorite Chick Flick actors Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Yeah, I'm old school. Meg was the ultimate romantic and you just can't help but love her. At the end of the movie Tom and Meg find out that they really are meant to be together and when they embrace, I'm a goner. I can't help but notice I've got the same goose bumps I had the first time I saw this cheesy film and the same tear rolling down my left cheek. I'm just so darn happy for Meg because she was lonely and then she found her true love. She even used the dreaded internet. God bless her! We've all been there! I got rejected by E Harmony!
My point is that these movies can't be taken from the shelves because like it or not we need them. Yes I said it! We live in a bitter sarcastic world full of sickness, financial crisis and war. But some of us still want to believe in happy endings. Is that so wrong to admit? I grew up with fantasies of what would truly make my dreams come true. I marvel tonight at what true contentment really is.
I've just recently gone through a very tough time where the love of my life, my husband was battling an illness. I didn't have my cuddling time, my movie buddy, my best friend in my home for a while and it's brought new perspective to the term Happy Ending.
My life may look different than a Lifetime movie and instead of sound track music mine might have Hickory Dickory Dock and Itsy Bitsy Spider. And instead of passionate sex scenes my scenes may involve me, my husband, an entire season of Lost on DVD, popcorn and triple chocolate ice cream, cuddled up for hours on our big fluffy red couch. It's my realization that I don't want Tom Hanks or Tom Cruise. I'm truly content with the man God gave me. I'm truly happy with our little world as corny as it may seem to other people. It works for us.
So instead of watching Meg with bitterness in my heart I can enjoy her journey and realize I wouldn't trade places with her or any other woman for anything in the world. I have my own fairy tale right here every day of my life. So I'm wondering about you out there reading this? No matter what season you're in can you look around and be thankful for all the blessings in your life right now? A mom/dad/friend who loves you? A great job? A roommate who cooks? New shoes you got on sale that go with the skinny jeans you can actually fit into? A child that needs you to hug them goodnight? No matter what trials you're facing I'm challenging you to find some happy endings in your life right now. They make the Chick Flicks more enjoyable because the movies are imaginary and your joy is the real thing.
Labels: chick flicks, love, Meg Ryan
Thursday, March 26, 2009
We're Going To Africa to Serve At An Orphanage And Need Your Help
Hi there,
As you may know part of my testimony has always been that when I gave my entire life over to God I knew He was going to "Ship me off to Africa or somewhere hot to do manual labor!" I've joked about this in my act for years and done many fundraisers to send others while I was safe and comfortable at home.
After reading a book about these orphans I felt God speak to me and said "It's time for you to roll up your sleeves and go!" I am not going as a comedian but simply as a mom, daughter and wife. I know I will get more out of this trip than I could ever give to these children. As I pondered leaving our sweet 1 yr old Lucy I was reminded that these children don’t have a mom or dad to hold them. I hope to go and love on these kids.
Ron and I need to raise $7950.00 to take this 10 day venture Aug 10th-21st. We need funds and we need prayer. This is unlike anything we've ever done and we're taking a step in faith to believe that if we're obedient that God will supply the funds.
Our first funding deadline is April 20th and then the 2nd is June 15th to raise approx. $5000 of the $7900 needed. This will cover our airfare and entire trip cost. If you want to help us by giving $10, $20 or any amount to reach our goal we'd be so grateful.
We're going with www.heartforafrica.org an organization that goes and takes children off the streets and gives them a place to live, grow up and be loved. These are real kids and when I read Janine's book "It's Not Ok With Me" I realized I couldn't just do nothing. There are some awesome videos on this link http://www.heartforafrica.org/video.htm. If they speak to your heart I'm asking that you send Ron and I as your representative of Christ's love to the little ones. Maybe you will be inspired to go yourself? This whole thing is about God and not us. So we're writing this and taking a step back to see how God will work. We know times are tough. All we can ask is that you pray and seek God. That's what we did and He told us to write this letter.
Thanks for taking your time to read this. Thanks for praying for our family and our ministry. Maybe there are some future comedian children over there who can teach us a few things?
Love,
Kerri Pomarolli McGehee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Greetings from Ron!
I know most emails & letters you get about Africa usually involve some really banished royalty, wire transfers, your personal bank account numbers, and a reward for your good deed. This is not one of those letters.
I have been introduced to the great need for orphans who, some, literally watched their parents wither away and die right before their young eyes. My wife, Kerri, and I prayed and we both received word from God that we need to go to Africa. We have been part of many fund raising efforts for missions, but now we are the ones going.
As you know we love to spread laughter and joy wherever God sends us. This is where you come in. We need to raise money to go on this trip. We know we are in tough financial times, but when giving as one gives to the Lord in faith, you will be rewarded.
You won't be helping African royalty, we don't want your bank account number, but we do want your support. Please give even if it is a small amount, because every little bit helps. And please don't forget our prayer support as well. We will be sending pictures and updates as much as we are able. For all the miracles that will happen are yours to share in glorifying God.
God Bless you & Keep you,
Ron McGehee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can support us financially in one of three ways:
1. Mail your check and the form linked on the homepage to Heart for Africa at Heart for Africa, P.O. Box 573, Alpharetta, GA 30009.
2. Go to www.heartforafrica.org to donate with your credit card
3. Call (800) 901-7585 to donate with your credit card by phone
Please keep in mind that this donation must be received by July 5th 2009. Your gift will be applied towards my trip and you will receive a tax receipt. Please use our participant code #7001442 when you give.
Thank you for your support!
Labels: charitable cause, donate, Heart for Africa, mission trip
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Red Rock Rave Review
Hey guys! I recently performed at Red Rock, one of my favorite L.A. secular comedy clubs. It's a hot room and they always have some of the top secular headliners in the country. It's my ministry to go there and do clean, God honoring comedy and also be open about my faith in a fun way. I got so nervous because of all nights the comedy seemed dirtier than normal. The girl who performed right before me was the winner of "Last Comic Standing." She was hilarious and the crowd was going nuts. My good friend Andy Kozel was performing as well. I prayed a lot that night, praying I'd bring the Holy Spirit with me on stage. I even had a conversation with producer Matty Balaker that my friends were praying. Finally it was my turn, followed by a wonderful intro from Matty, "Kerri is not only one of my favorite comics but one of my favorite people", I took the mic. God Blessed me. I felt really good about my set. I was the only clean comic and even talked about being Christian. The audience had already been conditioned with dirty jokes but when I did my act they responded with laughter. I felt so Blessed by God and that he again used me in Hollywood right there on Sunset Blvd. I had some friends in the audience and I knew that they had also been praying for me - and for the crowd.
This review came out on www.livecomedyla.com by Brendon Malvihill, who isn't a comedian but reviews the best comedy shows in Hollywood. It means a lot to me that he sees clean comedy can be just as funny.
Please read his review (linked below) of our March 3rd show and write a comment supporting clean comedy. I would really appreciate that! It's all about going where God leads us, one show at a time. It's just fun for me to know God may have us in a comedy club, preaching his message and doing an alter call on Sunset Blvd next!
Kerri Delivers and Receives Rave Review at Red Rock's Ballgame Laugh Lounge in HollywoodLabels: Brendon Malvihill, clean comedy, Hollywood, Live Comedy LA, Red Rock, reviews
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Somebody Stop Me
This is a chapter from my upcoming book "It's My Wedding and I'll Cry if I Want to!" Hopefully coming out in early 2009. Enjoy!
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Okay, it's 2:28 a.m., and I'm in the guest bedroom of our parent's friend's condo in Naples, Florida. The situation's a red alert. I repeat, red alert. We're nine-and-a-half weeks away from "Wedding Day" and counting.
Ron and I booked a show in Naples together. It's a singles' conference. We're both doing our stand-up and comedy acts separately but on the same roster. I'm still legally allowed to do my bitter single act, and so is he. The audience will have no idea we even know each other outside of comedy. My act hasn't changed yet and the "single" thing is so much fun. Ranting and raving, I'm not too anxious to stop it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, I always say.
Okay, back to the issue at hand. Ron and I have both committed to going on pre-wedding diets for many reasons - health, our mothers' nagging about my size-zero dress, and mainly because those wedding pictures last forever and they ain't cheap. Oh yeah - it can't hurt to be fit for our Hawaiian honeymoon either.
We've been doing pretty well on our diets in California. I found a trainer, and Ron joined a gym. We've made dietary changes as well and have been very disciplined about it. My biggest challenge was getting off the crack, I mean sugar. It's my big vice. As you may remember from my last book, I have a severe problem with sugar. It's a disease I tell you. I read in a medical journal that sugar is as addictive as any drug. I'm living proof of that, one-hundred percent, especially if I am within a 100-yard radius of doughnuts or candy. The only plan for me is cold turkey; out of sight, out of mind; see no evil, eat no evil.
Going home is when Ron and I fall off the wagon because my parents' house makes Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory look like a Slim-Fast warehouse. Seriously, my parents have candy in every dish in every corner and three kinds of ice cream in all three, yes, three, freezers. Remember my mom's theory on most everything: more is more! The cruel joke here is Barb weighs a whopping 109 pounds and calls me complaining that she just can't put on any weight. My dad is a steady 170-180 lbs, and the chocolate addiction gene comes from him. He's also addicted to those "nectar" drinks he gets at the dollar store that he thinks count as a serving of fruit. In reality, it's all fructose syrup; five thousand calories and 32,178 grams of sugar per sip.
So anyway, yesterday we arrived at Tom and Becky's condo. They are good friends of my parents and all around great folks. In true hospitable fashion, Becky shows me the kitchen and starts putting out snacks for me: Cheetos, chips, popcorn, Snickers, ice cream and then the dreaded Oreos. Not just any Oreos; double-stuff mint Oreos. I do my best to hold strong, but 12 minutes later, I wander back in her kitchen and help myself to one; Ah, the taste of heaven. I quickly remember why these snacks of satan are not allowed in my house.
All over the house, Becky also has the mini candy bars and York peppermint patty mints. I rationalize that just one couldn't hurt me. It had been a long day of flying. I did 50 sit - ups, 20 jumping jacks and 100 leg lefts before I went to bed last night and called it even.
I awoke early this morning to remember the M&M's in my travel bag. They were a wedding shower gift from our friend Christina. I got lingerie and M&M's. She always has had a sick sense of humor.
This morning I did more leg lifts after eating a grapefruit and M&M's breakfast. Then Ron and I took a leisurely stroll through the park. The fun part about our walk was when we snuck into this condo clubhouse to use the restrooms, and Ron decided to shave his beard because the bathrooms had free razors and lotions. He cut himself and came out with all this tissue all over his face. I said, "Why'd you do it?" He said, "It was there. I needed a shave, and it was free!" Ah, I love that guy.
Later we decided to drive to downtown Naples and have a nice dinner. Well, all the restaurants were pretty expensive, and we just couldn't rationalize paying over $19.99 for some seafood entree. So we kept going to every single, solitary eating establishment in search of a cheaper menu. Even if the meals were $16.99 we would have been satisfied. It quickly became a Seinfeld episode; we'd drive a bit, park the car, go into the restaurant, look at a menu, and shake our heads in dismay and leave. We did this at about 15 places until we found this little Chinese joint with the lights on and settled in for the night. To think we'd end up eating Chinese food in Florida after all of that, but then again, it was affordable. Tomorrow, we're hitting the early - bird buffet at 4 p.m. for $9.99. I need to find some senior citizen to get me in but in Florida this should not be hard.
Ron and I came home and sat down and had a nice chat with our hostess Becky. Upon arrival, I snuck some M&M's because I wanted something sweet. Then I discovered she had Hawaiian Punch juice boxes from her grandkids' last visit. I tore into one of those fructose delights. Wow, Oreos and juice boxes in one house - this was heavenly. I love Florida! I love Grandparents.
As we sat talking, I decided to partake of one of Becky's Snickers that was calling my name from the dish on the table. Ten minutes later, I got up and went to her cupboards only to discover she too had M&M's. I realized that eating some of her stash wouldn't diminish mine, so I did just that. I was on a roll and back on the sugar train with no sign of a pit stop.
How did this happen? I didn't see it coming - a little bit here and there didn't seem to hurt. By now I was definitely out of control. Every time I'd go into the kitchen, I'd find some sugar snack to nibble on.
At about 11:30, we started talking about our parents' love for chocolate, and I brought up the fact that my dad had converted me from being a Godiva girl to an Esther - Price chocolate disciple. Esther Price is a rare, but decadent, maker of fine chocolates made in Ohio. No I'm not kidding! But seriously they are the best! Becky's eyes lit up, and she smiled and said, "Would you like an Ester Price chocolate tonight? I've been saving some for a special occasion."
Of course, we jumped up and followed her back into the kitchen (Sin City), and she pulled out this lovely gold box of chocolates. I picked the biggest one, and Ron selected a small piece as well. He's disciplined but not stupid. As usual, I had to try a bite of Ron's piece because whatever he's eating automatically seems more appetizing. He should have been around when I was a kid and wouldn't eat my veggies. If they were on his plate, I guarantee I would have eaten them. So I ended up eating my piece of candy and half of Ron's. Then I went for just one more for good measure. I was getting a stomach ache but it was well worth it! I'm like that little kid that eats himself sick and then doesn't know why they feel horrible the next morning and can't go to school.
That night, I resigned myself to going to bed without doing sit - ups first, but ritualistically grabbed for the bag of M&M's and started gobbling them down. Ron came in my room and saw the guilty look on my face and said knowingly, "What are you eating right now?"
"Nothing," I said, swallowing hard.
"You're lying," he laughed.
"No, I'm not," I said, "because technically I wasn't chewing the M&M's by the time you asked."
We said our goodnights, and it was past 12:30 a.m. and I drifted off into my chocolate coma. At about 2:20, I found myself sleep - walking into the kitchen and going for the box of Esther Price Chocolates that were still sitting on the counter. I didn't even have to turn the light on. I found my way by touch. It's in my genes I tell you. I'm just that good.
I took out a piece, and it melted in my mouth. But even that wasn't enough! I went back to my room and dove into the bag of M&M's as if I hadn't eaten in 10 years! It was like an out - of - body experience, and of course by then I was thirsty, so I went back to finish my Hawaiian Punch juice box.
Now I'm sitting there and it's 2:28 in the morning. My stomach is aching and not to mention, huge! I have not just fallen off the wagon. The whole wagon train has pulled over and camped on the side of the road. There's no end in sight.
What have I done? What about the dress I'm getting fitted for in three weeks? This is ridiculous - it's a disease. I tell you, I have a disease. Someone save me before they have to roll me down the aisle!
Labels: book, chocolate, diets, Wedding
Monday, October 06, 2008
Catch Kerri's Live Chat!
Kerri Pomarolli Set to Talk Online Oct. 8 at Abunga.com
WHO: Kerri Pomarolli, a comedian known for her clean humor who has made her rounds in the comedy club circuit; accomplished actress; published author; and veteran of television with credits that include 28 appearances on NBC's "The Tonight Show," "Comedy Central," and recurring roles on network daytime television and Lifetime Network. She is a contributing writer for the new national magazines Hope For Women and Shine, has written articles for the teen magazine Brio, and has an award-winning nationally-syndicated "best column" titled "Report From A Hollywood God Girl" and comical cartoon, Kerri, in the Christian Press newspapers.
WHAT: "Authors at Abunga" Online Chat with Kerri Pomarolli at Abunga.com, an online bookstore offering family-friendly materials.
WHEN: Wednesday, Oct. 8, 2008
11 a.m. - Noon PDT / 1 - 2 p.m. CDT / 2 - 3 p.m. EDT (LIVE)
At
www.Abunga.com/AuthorsAtAbungaDETAILS: In her newest book, "Guys Like Girls Name Jennie," Pomarolli takes a humorous and honest look at being single in today's world. Using her own personal experiences from looking for Mr. Right, she chronicles her true-life obsession with finding a man. Amidst the laughable stories of joys, pains, tears and late-night snacking, Pomarolli discovers truths about dating, courtship, how the church views singles and trying to find God's best.
Join Pomarolli as she answers questions about the joys, hiccups and humor of finding Mr. Right and the importance of discovering God's plan for a - single or married - life. Visit
www.Abunga.com/FeaturedAuthorPomarolli for more information.
Based in Knoxville, Tenn., Abunga.com offers more than 1.8 million family-friendly book titles, savings through distributor-direct prices and support to nonprofit organizations by donating 5 percent of each transaction to a customer-selected charity. For more information, visit www.Abunga.com.
Labels: Live chat
Friday, September 12, 2008
Ron meets Kerri's parents
For those of you that keep up with my blogs and writing. This is a sample chapter of a new book that hopefully will be coming out soon. It's the sequel to my first book " If I'm Waiting on God What Am I Doing in a Christian Chat room?" Warning..this chapter is not for the faint of heart. Read at your own risk...then enjoy and remember..I don't make this stuff up!
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I remember when I first brought Ron home to meet my folks in Georgia. He had already talked to them on the phone. When we were first dating he even wrote my Italian father a letter asking for permission to date me. It was pretty cute. I mean who does that these days? Ask permission of the parents to date their daughter. It impressed the heck out of my dad. I remember telling my parents about my feelings for Ron in great detail when we first got together and my dad said "Kerri, I can tell this guy is different." I never got some huge explanation from Dad on why he thought that. But in all my years of dating guys and bringing them home my dad never once said anything overly positive. He was smart enough not to say anything negative either because my mother took care of all the nagging in that department and that only made me date them longer. The more my mother hated the guy, the closer I got to running off to Vegas and marrying him.
But over the course of a couple months I would call them and update them on my adventures in datingland. I had been on a dating hiatus before Ron so I think they were excited about the prospect of me actually making it down the aisle before they died. My mom always joked" I'm going to be so old at your wedding. They are going to have to roll me down the aisle in my wheelchair!" The older I got the lower her standards got as well. It really got a point when I was 29 and single that my mom told me" English was optional!" Poor Barb! Her one dream of having a wedding for her daughter was not materializing fast enough. But Ron showed her new hope.
So it came time to have Ron go down to Georgia to meet "The Parents!"
Anyway, my mom said on the phone to me, "I've invited a few friends over from church to meet Ron."
"How many?" I asked.
"Three, four, five, 50," she said. "I don't know Kerri, just bring him home! There will be pie!"
I was happy she was so excited to meet him. When I first called her and told her I had a serious boyfriend, all she wanted to know was, "Is he a doctor, lawyer or pastor?"
When I told her he was a comic, I think she stopped breathing. "But hey, he's Korean-Irish!" I told her. "Our kids can go to any college they want! And they'll be really good at math!"
My mother, being the politically-correct southerner that she is, regained her composure and said, "Well, I do have some Oriental rugs he might like to see. And tell him I spent a year in Vietnam, honey!"
Yeah well, to this day I'm not sure what either of those things had to do with Ron being Korean, but I've at least trained her not to say "Oriental" unless she's talking about a type of rug.
The day finally arrived. We pulled up to my southern home in Greensboro Ga. It's a replica of sorts of my mom's dream home from Gone with the Wind; everyone calls it Tara Two. I saw about 50 or so of my mom's closest friends standing outside our house, all wearing nametags and all waiting to meet my suitor. In true southern tradition, there were many types of pies and desserts, so Ron seemed happy, not scared. I had been down this road with ex boyfriends meeting my family but never to this grand degree. This was like some war veterans home reunion with all the people standing around waving us in!
We made our way through all the introductions. Everyone from the town barber to mom's pastor was there. It was more than awkward because we weren't engaged so all people could think to say was, "Congratulations on your, um, dating! Have you set a date for your next, uh, date?"
We just laughed and smiled and made the rounds. Ron went straight for the homemade southern pecan pie and strawberry shortcake. I was thinking of how to get through the evening without killing my mother. Then we decided to capitalize on the opportunity, as I had some of our comedy CDs in the car. We starting selling our CDs at the party and even got some of my mom's girlfriends to help. Ginger who knows everyone went around saying all the money would help the "Starving comedians fund" and secretly telling them Ron was saving to buy me a wedding ring! Whatever works! God love Ginger! We ended up making over $100, so all in all, it was a successful night and we were stuffed to the hilt. What more could you ask for ..money and desserts?
The next day I went to tell Ron that my mom and I were going into town to do a bit of shopping. I knocked on Ron's bedroom door. He barely opened it and had this weird look on his face. All he said was, "Great. Go ahead I'll stay here! Bye!" and he ran back inside. I knocked on the door again, but he seemed to be busy in the bathroom so I just went downstairs and out with my mom for an hour or so. I thought this might give my dad and Ron a chance to spend some quality bonding time together. Ron might even get up the nerve to ask for my hand in marriage. After all we had survived the party. We might as well get onto planning the wedding. I wasn't getting any younger and neither was my mother!
When mom and I got home from a fun day of shopping, I went up to Ron's room. He was reading a book. I said, "How did things go while I was gone?"
In this totally manic voice, he said, "Fine. Fine. Everything's fine. Why do you ask?"
"Well because you look a little pale and my dad didn't say much about your time together, that's why!" I said.
"It's better we not talk about it," he said. "What happens at Tara Two stays at Tara Two!" He turned away and kept reading.
I went downstairs and found my dad in the recliner chair watching some John Wayne flick. I said, "Hey Dad, is everything ok? Did you and Ron spend some time together getting to know each other today?"
"Well, honey, we did do just that. He's a good kid but not too handy with the plunger if you know what I mean!"
"No, I have no idea what you mean."
He said quietly, "It's better we don't talk about such things, dear!" My family always had a strict code about discussing such things that happened in the bathroom...we didn't! As far as I'm concerned none of my family members even goes to the bathroom!
Turns out Ron had been upstairs in the guest bathroom using the facilities, and he had an issue with the toilet not flushing. And as luck would have it, he'd been binging on southern food for the past two days.
When he hit the flusher lever, the water came rushing upwards and outwards overflowing onto the bathroom floor! It was a total Meet the Parents moment of sheer terror for poor Ron. So he did what any good man would do; he backed away and prayed vigorously. "Please Lord make it go away. Make it go away." All of a sudden he heard a knock at the bathroom door and my dad's voice saying, "Ron? Ron? Son, is everything alright in there?"
"Yes Sir," Ron replied.
My dad said, "Just checking because there seems to be some sort of leak coming from your bathroom onto the laundry room floor downstairs. Just wanted to see if you have everything under control in there."
"Oh, it's under control alright, sir."
Ron then proceeded to pray harder for the rapture to come at that very instant. As he was praying, more and more "water" (use your imagination, or don't) was overflowing onto the floor and rug that he knew my mother cherished.
Ron had no choice but to open the door. My dad saw the shocking site. He immediately went into action, grabbing every towel, even the good ones that he knew would never be used again in that house and throwing them down on the floor. It still wasn't enough. My dad sprinted for the plunger. Ron insisted he give it a try first to save my father from dealing with such a disgraceful predicament, but Ron was like the little engine that couldn't. He tried and tried but to no avail.
As the situation got worse, my dad stepped in, and with a few well-placed plunges, was able to rectify the situation. They worked furiously as a team to clean up the crime scene and dispose of the evidence before the girls got home. They didn't exchange any pleasantries or make eye contact, so I'm told.
After it was over, they gave each other an awkward manly punch on the arm and parted ways. All my dad could manage to mutter on his way was, "We don't have to talk about this ever again, son. Don't worry."
Well, some might call that crisis bonding. Ron calls it God's payback for all the stupid things he's done in his life. We're both convinced there are no comedy clubs in Heaven; God and the angels just gather round and watch us all the time. It's like their heavenly version of Candid Camera.
I didn't hear all the details of what went on that day until after we had returned to California. I should have suspected something when mom's stolen Ritz-Carlton towels suddenly disappeared from our guest bathroom back home in Georgia.
I'm not sure I've mentioned this before but my mom is a total kleptomaniac when it comes to hotel stuff. She not only steals the shampoo, she displays it all in a basket in our guest bathroom; but only the fancy ones. !
So it was an eventful first parental visit for poor Ron, but he survived nicely. He particularly liked all the buffets of good old southern cuisine where "ambrosia and mac and cheese are considered vegetables." He got to see my family's roots and how we live, breathe and eat. Mostly eat. Well, there was some outlet shopping in there too, but really, it was all about the food.
I found out later that even after all the mania from the bathroom incident, Ron got up the courage to tell my Dad he was going to propose to me and ask his permission. He told him he'd do his best to provide a good life for me and honor me for the rest of our lives . My dad was overjoyed because those two were kindred spirits from the start. God really knew who was meant to join our family. It is true that you don't just marry the person you marry the family and in our case we both were getting a great deal. We were going to be one big happy Korean Irish Italian Southern family! God help us!
Labels: Kerri and Ron, Meet the Parents, Proposing, Relationships
